roadtocoventry

Wed, 13 May 2009 08:28:53 GMT

Im so lost lonely and bored. I wish I had a guitar..and a good mood every once in a while..
Its like..feeling even the best..always dies..and you start to wonder when anything will be okay.

Its like one day the sunset is enticing..and the next it passes you by...
life is so mysterious..im flooded with so many emotions..so many desires..so many questions and yet I see no point.
Its like we spend our lives trying to find a point to it all..a means to an end..a final destination that is satisfactory..but it never comes..were still left wondering..
and all you have is what you love..is what you FEEL..is what you BELIEVE..and memories..
and that should be enough and when it isnt..well what the fuck do you do then?

I could never imagine taking myself out of this world..but I can never see myself..being okay with just existing..because I have so many questions about my existence..that I just cant get past.

I feel depressed and clinically so. I am physically unmotivated..mentally unmovitated and emotionaly suffocated.

I have nothing to be sad about yet I just have this overwhelming sense of anxiety
even the smallest thing will trigger it..like thinking about how many people I pass on any given day and will never talk to..never know..nothing
We live in such close proximities to so many different people functioning extactly the same..yet we are so unimportant to eachother

but I dont care to know everyone..but its overwhelming thinking about how many lives are being lived at once. What are these lives we live? Geez.

I feel like I am alone in how I feel. I feel like when I look at people's faces everyday they are robots..programmed to be okay with everything..oblivious..and I am the one who has the questions..the concerns..God its such a lonely thing.
Even when you find someone you are bonded to .. its still so easy to get lost in yourself..
I look at myself in the mirror sometimes and it freaks me the FUCK OUT. I am looking at MYSELF. what is MYSELF. I will only ever be myself..and when I completely HATE myself..it is the worst feeling in the world.
And I feel like I measure my self-worth with other people's opinions. And that is BULLSHIT.

but honestly, my life would suck without you. I hate to quote a fucking Kelly Clarkson song but it just played and that line makes sense.

My life would suck without those I love..

Wed, 13 May 2009 00:25:52 GMT

I found a really cute chair on craigslist! I hope I can talk them into giving it to me for 40! If so then I will be all set with furniture..need a coffee table though..so yeah

and I am thinking seriously about going into nursing. I know it will be hard but I think I would really like it...
either way Im excited to be going to school in some form or another this fall..im living on my own..ive already accomplished that goal..and plus I ran cross country with this body frame so I can accomplish anything!! :-D I took a year off like I said so Im ready to fulfull my planssss so I dont feel like a complete loser in ten years..and I know I will feel that

yeah yeah I know I smoke alot of weed..but that doesnt mean I cant kick ass in school..I did it in highschool for four years..I dunno why I mentioned that hah I guess I just know SOME PEOPLE out there will probably think that about me when I mention school or something difficult like nursing...but I can care less..if your here for me you are..if you arent..you arent needed.

Mon, 11 May 2009 22:24:20 GMT

if anyone is interested I put pics of my apartment up on my facebook! take a peek

and cory,,your hella livejournal literate..how do I post pics on here?

Mon, 11 May 2009 01:30:10 GMT

david bought a gas mask. for smoking marijuana. pictures soon hahhhhhhhhhhh

Fri, 01 May 2009 02:16:29 GMT

This is my new livejournal. I needed to start over..I figure I am starting a new chapter in my life Saturday so might as well start a new livejournal!

tonight I said goodbye to the sun..and realized how alone I am..even if I am surrounded by 20 people..I am still alone inside
I wish me and myself did more things.. I want to start new hobbies..start planting things..being in the sun..riding my bike more..writing poems..because that is the quickest and most eloquent way to capture my thoughts

I don't know how to handle the world..and people don't know how to handle me..I dont know how to handle people..

people are constantly thinking. and about what? we're all in our own heads..we all make calculations and judgements..and I think we all pretend..I think we're just creatures forced to pretend

I think I have tendencies to be conceited but it isn't intentional and I hate it. I used to look at myself and hate what I see..and though I still linger over my flaws..I am okay with myself in the mirror..so I guess I just spend too much time looking at myself..trying to see how I can make myself look because now it's fun..
But im not ashamed of it. I hate feeling ashamed. And what is worse then feeling ashamed is when someone else tries to make you feel that way when you have no reason to feel so..and people always tell me you only feel ashamed when YOU make yourself feel ashamed..which is true..or you only feel bad about something when you intentionally went against your nature..no one can make you feel a certain way because you control your emotions..but people can hella impact your emotions
haters gonna hate. its whatever

I love donnie darko..and I love the 80s..I want to load up on all the classic 80s..tears for fears..smiths..journey..and blast it in my apartment and submerse myself into another time. I have a feeling that I am about to get extremely lonely and meet alot of new people at the same time. I want to start going to school so that I can at least feel like I am learning something other than how to grill shrimp. That is another thing..working around seafood is getting less and less disgusting and Im not sure how to feel about this..I have absolutely no desire to eat any of that shit but its kinda instilled in me now..Im so used to it that it doesnt gross me out..some people would say that I am not a true vegetarian or whatever but honestly..I only want to control my own life..and choices..and not anyone else's. So I am not going to spite somebody for their diet but I am not going to change my beliefs either..I just try to be neutral..but I still am one angry mother fucker.

this new phase in my life is going to be something

I cant wait for Oly kids to arrive! It is so weird saying that..its been how long a year and a half almost but it still doesnt fit.